Who I Want To Be

Who I Want To Be

Who I Want To Be

I am obsessed with looking at the big picture… Staying in my own damn way…

No matter how often I tell my self to look at the small things that go into the big picture. It’s just not how I am set up…

I just stand there staring at the damn Mountain….

Yet 5 minutes before all hope is lost and my back is against the wall, everything becomes crystal clear. I execute with precision.

Moments later I triumphantly find myself at the top of the mountain, only to look over yonder at the next mountain…

Mentally exhausting myself thinking of what else has to be done…

Something always has to be done.

Never stopping to take in the moment or the victory… Or resting to gain my strength….

I want to be the person that see’s the small pieces, immediately knows the next step.

Gets to the top of the mountain with time to spare…

I want to sit at the top of the mountain look at the horizon, take a deep breath, exhale and say “I made it” with time to spare…

I want to rest or bask in my moment.

Live in that moment.

Not be anxious and worried about the next valley and the next mountain…

Who I want to be

Love The Love Around You

You have to learn to love the love around you… I made blog a few months back saying “Team Single” was not a team. The irony is being single damn near feels like a team. There are sooo many people and things behind the scenes that motivate and keep you going.  It’s equivalent to being in a support group. Except its a group with dysfunctional/functional, friends, family and colleagues, married and unmarried. When you hit your 30’s you are conditioned to think about settling down, even if the decision is not to settle down, the shit will always come up. I don’t even have to want to be in a romantic relationship, I have friends and family that wangod-gave-friednst me to be in a relationship. They ask about it, or randomly give unsolicited, loving advice (eye roll). I use to think this pressure was exclusive to women, apparently men get that shit too. (In my defense I have never been a man, so I just didn’t know…;)

I was talking to a newly single girlfriend today, we talked about work and our children and then she asked if I was dating anyone. I told her “no, with no prospects”… We both discussed our dating woes. It was abundantly clear, we agreed it was a chore. It was a chore because for the most part, it seems like a waste of time. One is almost reluctant to go out. I told her I wish they could tell you upfront “Hey I ain’t shit. You may want to stay home”…Yeah I know that sounds unrealistic, but its definitely a courtesy I wouldn’t mind signing up for. Dating just feels blah. I think the “blah” could come from many things, feeling forced, pressure, lack of genuine connection, or maybe wanting it too badly or not wanting it enough. For everyone it’s different.

I told her my take away in the single abyss is age doesn’t equal maturity, degree doesn’t mean smart or stable. Ethnicity doesn’t equal consistency or even better. White men lie, black men lie, men and women can be dishonest period. There isn’t a shortage of good companions, you just haven’t met the person for yofirendu. I have to admit, you just never fucking know. Like, there is no algorithm or secret fucking sauce. There is no recipe. IT HAPPENS WHEN IT HAPPENS, AND WE JUST NEED TO BE READY WHEN IT DOES. Yet, then again, you are never ready… That is life…

Realizing there is no recipe allows me to find peace in my 30’s in my “single” space. Because of this peace, it has also given me the opportunity to see the love around me… No, I am not someone’s wife, Bae, Boo, or fiancee. But…. I am a daughter, sister, auntie, niece, cousin, mother, friend… I have the type of  friends and family that I can talk to about everything, call at odd hours and sit in silence with and not need to fill the silence with meaningless conversations. I get out. I go on adventures and vacations with my friends and even when they travel without me, they always bring my single ass a gift back. Yo, I have a whole team! They help me make it look easy.

d23e0c2c79e8e8f7a0af12e04ddedd13And this, is when I say, you have to be able to see the love around you. No it’s not romantic, its platonic, it’s
genuine, consistent, never yielding, and unconditional.  I have a whole TEAM of people that love me and support me, right or wrong. They provide laughter, hugs, ears to listen, shoulders to cry on,  words to encourage, and companionship in the most genuine form. So I’m not saying give up on romantic love, I’m saying until it happens, love the love around you and never stop.
Oh, and… Perspective is everything… Be Blessed.

Dedicated to my team of friends and family that love me, just because…

Stop Asking For Resumes

Stop Asking For Resumes

Getting to know and learning someone, is a lifelong experience. There is no definitive timetable. There are very few rules to this, especially when dating. Only definite factor is it is a journey, that can be, and most often, a lifelong e2016-10-24-22_11_50-edit-post-single-sexless-in-the-city-wordpress-com-internet-explorerexperience. It never completely stops, because most of us are always evolving.
When we first meet people we are typically in the “getting to know you” phase, so we think. This is the time we most likely ask someone what they are looking for in a significant other or their dating objectives… If you are like most people you run your entire list down… And this my friends, is where we mess up…

Asking someone for their relationship resumes can be a double edge sword.

How often have you had a friend apply for a job at a company you work/worked for? For me, often. They ask what qualities the company is looking for, what experience is needed. We tell them what to say and/or how to dress their resume up to secure said position. Many of us have multiple resumes tailored to particular fields. We do this to high light why we would be a good fit for a particular role or industry. Sometime it’s the truth. Sometimes it’s a lot of fluff, fluff meaning you are under-qualified. Don’t worry we plan to google that shit before the “final test”.

I hope you are beginning to see where I am going with this. If I sit and tell John every single quality that I want or *need, there is a huge chance John is going to say he is all of that. In fact I just gave John the entire play book, on how to obtain me. Now John is amazing, he is everything you have ever wanted until he is not. Eventually he is going to get tired of being someone he isn’t. I’m not saying people d6-year-old-girls-list-of-qualifications-for-a-boyfriend-187x250on’t make changes/accommodations nor make improvements in their lives for others. Sometimes people just want the damn job and they will say anything to get it, yet may not have what it takes to keep it.

You may not even be what you presented to John… (Side eye) It goes both ways.  In fact people, will tell you “what not to do” on the date. They advise you, not to be you. You may tell John you have a great job, but fail to mention you spend your entire check on bullshit. Zero money management skills.  You could love a clean house, yet you didn’t mention to John you hate cleaning, the said house. John thinks you know the best restaurants, never dawned on John you can’t boil a pot of water. You show up on all your dates wearing a girdle and shit. John has no idea you are hiding a whole muffin top under there and you are starving to death, but don’t eat much because you can’t even breathe. You are generous as fuck with your pleasantries. Meanwhile, John doesn’t know as soon as you got off the phone you went into straight sailor mode, cussing and talking shit to your girlfriends.You may be a CNA and call yourself a nurse, cause it is hard work. Some of these things aren’t even deal breakers, but they aren’t exactly truths either.

Before we become comfortable we are typically the nicest we will ever be, we are the best versions of ourselves… That being said. It’s perfectly fine to swap stories. It’s also perfectly fine to ask what their dating objectives are… However it isn’t necessary to tell someone what you are looking for in a mate because if you
invest your time, you will know if they are for you. I’m looking for you. Or I am not looking for you. (giggles)

I use to say I wanted a man with a degree, yet that doesn’t discount an intelligent man without one. Also, I have met plenty of well-educated lunatics. I know blue collar men, that may have not went to college but are great husbands, to amazing wives… That being said there are a lot of qualities that aren’t deal breakers too.  I would never want someone I love to feel as though they didn’t measure up. in truth, what we want isn’t necessarily, what we need, nor is it what will sustain us in the long run.

Ultimately it’s about chemistry, connection and complimentary qualities. Its good to keep everything platonic, untCouple in the sandil they show you who they are, with their actions and vice-versa.  If it doesn’t evolve into a romantic relationship, you may have
gained a friend and you are that much closer, to someone that is compatible with you. We have to be ourselves and be willing to risk it all and risk it all again, because we only need to win once.

Team Single

 

Team Single

Team single isn’t a fucking team. YOU ARE ALONE… I mean, you may have a roster, but it’s full of bench warmers. People that didn’t exactly make the cut, for one reason or another. They are great for some things and not others. I like to call them “Mr. or Mrs. Right Now”. They temporarily fill the void.

Please note: Clearly you too, didn’t make the cut.

I’m not saying this to be mean or condescending. I am saying this to be real. I am handing you a mirror. Throwing you a life line. I am attempting to save you and I, from ourselves. Sure, yobenchwarmersu can say you made the cut with the people on the bTeam alone foreverench. Lets be honest. Lets play the devil’s advocate… You don’t want the people on the bench. Even that ex, that is still calling or the new guy/girl, the one you like, but not enough to commit to. They’re cool. But… They are a last minute back up plan. As you are someones last minute back up plan.

Don’t get offended…

You’re #TeamSingle. It’s cool…

Plus, you’re different… You’re happy and you don’t need anyone.

 It just sounds good, in theory…

Yes, I too felt like all my shit was together. I was/am busting my ass at work, waiting for Mr. Right to come along and notice me. Despite dressing like I’m homeless, unless I’m traveling, it’s a special occasion or there is a client on site. In my mind having a career, hobbies, a roof over my head, a vehicle, spirituality, and a solid moral compass made me a dope catch… In my mind…

However, am I willing to put the effort in, to have a *solid relationship? I say YES! But my actions, say NO… I am busy. I am happy. I am content. I am comfortable, with just me. I have gradually become selfish. The world has, in fact. Yet, I’m learning that companionship isn’t so much about not being happy alone, but enhancing and sharing my joy with someone other than myself.

There is an amazing man out there, that is my equal. I haven’t put in sufficient effort to be with this amazing guy (who ever he is).  I have a million excuses. It’s become another exhausting task, that I procrastinate on. Trying to avoid, the unavoidable. Whether it’s organic or a dating site, the effort will be required. You can do it now or later, the time will pass anyway.

I want all of us to avoid waking effortup in a panic at 40 or 50 well traveled and so full of self. Only to realize we forgot to build a meaningful life with someone else. We forgot to let someone love us. And we weren’t courageous enough to love someone other than ourselves.

My advice: Your desire to witness life with someone, has to outweigh your contempt for the process…

Living In The Past

Living In The Past

Living In The Past

 No matter how many times you visit the past, it will not change. 

Life isn’t about how you start it is how you finish. Our surroundings shape and influence our path. The choices that seemed like a mistake can easily be chalked up as life experience, if only we would allow ourselves the perception to see that. As a child someone had to tell you no,37e1be84a248e82ce016574b89c2c13c even then you may have done it anyway, only to feel the wrath of the consequences. That’s how you learned. The very state of living and pursuing happiness at its best is a controlled experiment. We are all in a lab creating our own perfect dosage of what gratification is. As we change so does the recipe.

Often many of us live in the past. The baggage of the past controls our thoughts, actions, inaction, and impacts our relationships. You don’t get very far if you are on a journey and you keep stopping to look back. We can’t grow, nor do we allow others to grow if we’re constantly piling on their previous indiscretions and constantly reminding them of who they use to be. Many of us are so progressive we aren’t even the same person we were a year ago, let alone 10 years ago.

Life is all about growing. You want to get better and better every day. We must let go and forgive. When you forgive someone including yourself, you only have to do it one time. It is unnecessary and slightly abusive to keep rubbing a mistake in someones face. Despite knowing this we hold guilt over ourselves and others. This has to stop. There should be no regret or shame. In my Erykah Badu voice, “You are going to hurt your back, dragging all them bags.”

[News Flash] No matter how hard you try you can’t change what’s already been done.

Living in the past will undermine your future. Never apologize for who you were, because it shaped you. Smart people learn from their mistakes and the wise, learn from other people’s mistakes. There will always be better choices that you could have made. Hindsight is amazingly accurate, only because you have all the pieces in front of you. Trust that you made the choice that made sense to you at that moment, as did everyone else.

You wouldn’t be where you are today had it not been for the choices you made. Even if you aren’t where you want to be, there BeFunky_Stop-Letting-The-Past.jpgwere a series of actions and reactions that led you here. Even if you are not proud of the decisions you made, if you’re still here to talk about it, you were successful. Successful in making it out alive. Your mess can now become your message. Life is all about living and learning… Just to let you in on a little secret… No one survives life. It will kill us all in the endTake risks, love hard, and make mistakes…

Divorce… Don’t Stay b/c of Your Children

Divorce… Don’t Stay b/c of Your Children

Too often I hear people staying in bad marriages for their kids. We all want to raise our children in a two parent home. That is the dream…  Right?  What happens when the reality no longer lives up to the fantasy? I mean marriage is work. Some years are great, while others years are horrible. Many of us, including myself, have tried everything to make it work. Not necessarily in the right order, but we tried and failed. Sometimes it’s like picking up broken glass with your bare hands. But you realize your kids are uParents-Fighting-Children-300x199se to seeing both of you and the notion of taking that from them seems heart wrenching. I mean staying married for the kids is the responsible thing? But it’s not… It might be one of the silliest idea’s we have come up with, just to avoid or delay starting over.

I grew up without my mother. My step mother loved me the best way she knew how. Sometimes it was hard, but not as hard as living with both of my parents. They were hell together.  When it was good it was good, but when it was bad, it was horrible.   I mean bad like furniture turned over horrible. They weren’t right for each other… I am an adult now…  I survived… I had a mother and another mother that loved me. It was bonus. FYI I know messed up adults that came from two parent homes. Living with both parents doesn’t guarantee a less dysfunctional child. The goal is to ensure your child is well-rounded. With love, support, and stability any child is destined for greatness.  Keep in mind children are resilient and with the right emotional support ultimately they will be happy just because their mommy and daddy are. Also I have found that my friends whose parent got a divorce when they’re adults seem to be the most traumatized. They never saw it coming, because their parents were so good at pretending.  As parents it is our responsibility to be the example for our children, so staying together faking to be in love would be a lie. We owe our kids more than that.

I know many of you are thinking lies are okay to protect our children. However, are we really protecting them or hurting them? The reality of life is people change and things fall apart sometimes. We should be showing our children how to pick up the pieces and move on with our sanity intact. I couldn’t imagine living a lie. Honestly I did try…. I tried to live a lie… Sounds crazy saying it out loud… Not just for the kids, I tried for him and us. I remember when my ex-husband and I were going through the motions. We confused the hell out of our children. And mentally we put each other in some crazy places, trying to force what we lost. It was like we were never on the same page at the same time… I remember once my ex-husband bought me a new dryer, new furniture, and mailed me divorce papers all the same week. I really didn’t even know what to think. Who does that?  Talk about confusing… I eventually learned to love my self-enough to remove myself from the roller coaster. You have to put your own oxygen mask on first.

In retrospect we lost so many good years going through the motions. I wish we had of known when to walk away. We set a piss poor example dragging everything out. We dragged it out for years. I remember my daughter asked me one day if my boyfriend’s daughters lived with his wife. Assuming everyone is married and separated… Divorce in its self is definitely a process.  A process that impacts you and your children. However, if that is the road you are starting-overtaking, there is no need to delay, the sooner you start, the sooner the healing begins for everyone.

Here is some GOOD ADVICE:

I know you want to stay for your children. I mean it’s easier too. But…. I have an alternative suggestion once the spark is gone; and you have tried everything you can to make it work. I do mean everything. Walk away. Many fail to realize marriage isn’t always a walk in the park on a bright sunny day. Sometimes marriage can be like getting your car stuck in the middle of nowhere, in a blizzard, with no cell phone reception, hopeless. Once you have exhausted all possibilities and you can’t fathom staying together for each other, please show your children how to gracefully pick up these pieces and move on with your life. Let them know one bad apple doesn’t spoil the barrel. That life can and will go on. Time heals wounds and we are equipped to love again, even after heart-break. We are the example, we should be showing them what a real partnership looks and feels like. If they can’t learn that from us, then who? There is so little love is this world, I would be afraid to leave the teaching up to anyone but me.